Deaden
It became clear suddenly when people tried to blackmail me emotionally and my reaction was not "damn, what do I do?" but "so?". When I had to tell myself that people matter and I need to take an interest in their lives. When I really had to try and remember names and faces and what they did, what stuff they found interesting.
There are times I feel that I'm creating distance between myself and people in general. There are times where I regret that people seem to be slipping away from me, that even the close friends I have seem to be getting more and more distant.
There are times where I feel so divorced from everyone I just can't deal with it anymore, and yet I hesitate to go back and rediscover the people I know, but rather make more and more temporary acquaintances. I don't even want to get to know them all that well.
I've been struggling hard against it for a long time now, but it seems that I can't reignite my passion for life and people. I lament it, I desire it, but no matter what I do I just can't seem to truly feel it anymore. I cannot feel it.
I suppose I could go through the motions forever and ever, but at the end of the day, what's the point? It doesn't excite me, doesn't feel me with zest or inspiration. It doesn't awaken my imagination or give me any kind of satisfaction. Blankets of indifference and apathy smother the yearning. I feel a hollow where all these feelings get sucked into and tumble surely into oblivion.
I simply can not care anymore!
And so it comes to this. The only thing I feel now is frustration. I want to want it! I want to care! But this state of mind eludes me.
That's the real curse.
Not that I do not care, but I can not!
Chi Hou @ Tuesday, June 24, 2008
