Profound Hypocrisy

Is false charity the ultimate hypocrisy?
Is hypocrisy and insincerity worse than nonchalance?

Is nonchalance disguised as sincerity then just a hollow expression, reeking of falsehood?

If lose sight of our ultimate aims, distracted by details and waylaid by our plans, then even should we complete our plans, achieve our goals, get the A grade, have we then failed? In fact, have we not just failed, but also undermined the very essence of what we strive for, we work for?

I ask this question of myself often now, as I am a party to this, like it or not. My debt to society needs to be paid, and I fully agree with the concept of service. I just feel that sometimes, in enforcing such a concept, making it community requirement, not community service, we have failed utterly to achieve what we have set out to do in the first place, and that is to serve the community with sincerity, and to learn compassion.

By turning it into a job, does it make this pill easier to swallow? Is it the same pill then? If I said that enforcing the past two years of my life did not make me a more patriotic person, but instead embittered me, would that surprise anyone?

How then, is enforcing community service going to foster my compassion and empathy?

I take a module now, where one of the primary objectives is to provide a community service for any organization I choose, within a timeframe of 3 months. This strikes me as a beautiful, beautiful lie.

Let all know then, that I hate this module. I am NOT performing this out of empathy, NOT doing this to benefit the community, NOT to make other people happier, but to see that nice A grade at the end of the term. I am doing community service for...myself.

And I'd wager 95 percent of the people doing the same module are doing it for the same reason. Just that they never ask such questions as I did. And this, I know deep down, is what we have become.

Slaves to hypocrisy, unwilling, unable, to break free.

I don't respect hypocrites.

Especially myself.





The Hate that Rules my Heart, The Love that rules my Head

What is your capacity for emotions?

Can you contain all the feelings inside, to keep absorbing and feeling everything at once? To experience life as a whirlwind of sensations?

I don't think I can. I can only feel intensely, deeply, but not everything at once. And sometimes, I feel that I run out of space, leaving no room for new emotions to come in. And what I feel all the time now is burning rage and anger, even hate. Hate and spite rule my heart a lot of the time. It chafes at me, wears at the face I present to the world, until sometimes I can not help but lash out at everything.

Yet this is all controlled by my head, the logical part of me that tells me that there's no point unleashing such anger, such uncontrolled, murderous, violence on the world, on the people around me. That is the face you see me wearing when I face the world. The cold mask of logic containing the emotions.

The two aspects of me wage war upon each other constantly, and the turmoil inside drains me. Those who have seen the true face of rage beneath the surface I no longer speak to. They have fled, have deserted me.

I think that at the end, I will be a very lonely person. Sooner or later, this loathing will overcome my restraints and consume everything I have built, all that I cherish. And at the end, I will abandon myself.

For who do I hate more than myself?