Saying Goodbye / Terminus.

It's been a rough week.

Went with the guys to see Andre off on Saturday night. Jik was in the taxi telling me and XY how bad it was, to have people going away. I knew it a long time back, but it didn’t make the pronouncement any easier. Getting off the taxi and entering the terminal, I was already sad.
Tears were running down Andre’s face as he was leaving the terminal. The last few steps were difficult. He kept turning back to take yet another last glance (And yes, running into a pillar). I was quietly soaking up emotions as everyone wished him good luck. And when it was time to go, I couldn’t take it much longer and went out for a drink with the guys. If you have to say goodbye to a friend, its nice to be smothered in another friend’s presence and better yet if there are a few friends.

Bondy, if you’re reading this, please come back soon. I’m missing you and your lame jokes already.

The other goodbye was even harder.

It came to a point where I felt I couldn’t put it off any further. I messaged her today to try to sort things out, to at least tie up loose ends. Yet, somehow when I was typing the message I knew deep down it was over already. Words said cannot be unsaid and deeds done couldn’t be undone. I behaved like a child and she wasn’t much better. And as a result we destroyed our friendship.

Her reply was hostile at first. Terse words were exchanged while I tried to salvage something out of the mess. I offered the olive branch and an explanation for my actions which I predicted, rightly, that she would refuse. I was crestfallen when she said she was happy with the status quo, which was to say silence across all channels. My efforts would prove fruitless.

Gradually we relented and accepted a lapse into a détente. More talk, more evasion, more emotion on my part, more desperation. And then, in a moment of clarity, we realized that we never really did get along anyway. We never shared enough to keep and enduring relationship. We were like oil and water, immiscible but for a crisis. We had little in common but adversity.
And that was when we parted ways forever, and became strangers again.
It’s over. I only wish it didn’t have to end this way.

I liked her very much, though not in the way that immediately springs to mind. She was beautiful, but I was too engrossed in someone else to notice. She was my friend, but I didn’t realize what that meant when it truly mattered. When the time came for me to choose to chase my dream or to hold on to what I had I chose to lace my words with poison and bile and gave them to her. I regret this bitterly, and it’s the 2nd greatest regret I have in my life.

I considered destroying all the physical evidence of her existence. The copied notes, the contacts, the stored messages secreted in my inbox. But what’s the point? If the heart is gone the physical doesn’t matter, and if the heart cant quite reconcile it, then what’s the use of erasing the evidence? All I did was to trigger even more reminiscing and regret.

I remember the times we shared in school, where we would just screw up everything together. I remember her smiles and crazy dreams and longing for love. I remember her little idiosyncracies and her little ironies and contradictions. I remembered the times we would talk and I would just make fun of her. I remember how it all began to fall apart and I remember how it ended. And now I must let go of these memories and scatter them into the winds.

It’s painful thinking about the bitter last moments.
It’s painful trying to let go.
It’s painful to think about those better times.
It’s painful to think about how it could have been.
It’s painful even writing all this. I can’t go on anymore.

Goodbye, my friend, for the last time, and may you meet people better than me. We shall not cross paths again.