Hi guys!

I having been updating as regularly as I'd like to, so I guess I'll do my updating today! When I actually have things to talk about! Which is rare cos I'm so tired of everything nowadays! But I'm on a high today! Or you could say I'm on crack today. I'm truly going crazy!

Hmm some quick responses/ clarifications etc etc.

Mak: Firstly, I said that you're either uncaring or strong when you can exist by yourself. I didnt say to be happy u have to be uncaring. And sometimes caring too much makes you feel pretty lousy, especially when people dont like it when you care. Take it from me. I was energizer bunny for the first three months...cared about everyone, how everyone was doing, about everything actually. Then it all fell apart when people started leaving, and people didnt like other people finding out about their lives, coupled with the ultimate realization that the world just sucks. Then again i remember buying a badge saying "If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off". Anyway, sometimes you have to learn to mind your own business. People like me are too kaypoh. So being uncaring sometimes actually helps to make me a little stronger. It gives me less things to worry about, gives me less bad vibes from people. Too much of that and I'll just keel over and die. I nearly burnt out after a while during that period actually... Just read my physical diary and realized. But I won't deny I was probably happier then. Why? I wonder. Anyway, as I mentioned, sometimes you just have be selectively uncaring. You can't worry about everyone. Don't. You'll kill yourself. How did I come to this conclusion? Well, I asked the Mike from my class. Yes, not Mike Lin. Another mike. Anyway, one day I decided to ask him whether he felt I was fitting in with the class, and the reply was no. Then we had this really long talk and he told me not to try too hard. He just said that I tended to actually care too much, which was not good. So there you have it. I'll still care, but my poor leaky broken heart can't afford to care for everyone.

About what Jik said. Hmm actually I think that you just have to follow your own code of justice and what's right. Or what you think is right. You have to give other people the choice to take shortcuts or cut corners or whatever you define as "evil" cos it's their right. Their right is no less than your right. If they break rules, well you might not like it, and you might try to dissuade them, but the final decision has to come from the person. As Morpheus said. " I can show you the door, but you have to walk through it". All the punishment, harsh words and argument will not solve the problem. It'll make it worse. If someone punishes me, I'm not inclined to actually respect or listen to the person. But when someone takes the time to explain my mistake, and I realize that my actions were less than I expect from myself, then I punish myself, actually. Cos you have to remind yourself that what you did wasnt up to your own expectations, and pain, in any form, helps you remember. If the pain is inflicted by others, you remember hatred. If the pain is self-incflicted, you remember why you did so in the first place. Of course, you might hate yourself too, but that works too. Of course, this subject of good and evil is pretty subjective. I am inclined to do "the right thing" cos well my upbringing said so. And I feel really terrible if I made someone feel terrible or or caused them to feel terrible. And as far as possible, I try not to feel terrible. Thats why I just live with things I don't like. It's just me taking the rubbish. If I complain or gripe, everyone takes the rubbish. And it might not work anyway. I've tried the cold war, and I feel bad every time I try; usually I can't sustain it because I'll feel bad for mistreating others.... So as far as possible I don't comment directly or don't do anything. Yeah and you're not really evil... its understandable if u want to pay the other guy back for causing you grief. It's a defensive instinct. And I'm proud that you don't like to make innocent others feel bad just because you feel bad. Hmm. Actually I'd probably return the stuff, too. And i'd counsel you to do so... I just don't feel good keeping money that I don't rightly deserve. And spending it is just worse cos its not mine to spend. I didnt deserve it so I won't enjoy it. It's just a matter of my principles. I admit it's fairly tempting to take the short path, and I admit it's getting harder to keep to my morals, but as far as possible I'd like to preserve what's left of them. Yeah, so Jik I'd just like to say well I guess its your choice in the end, but ermm try to return stuff when you find it. You'll make the guy pretty happy if you do, and you might actually feel good doing so.

Hmm ok let's talk about today. Went down to Bishan to do some trading. Then came home, did my run. I find that I enjoy running/jogging/walking/strolling/crawling around the Katong area where I live. The long run gives me time off by myself to do some thinking and to actually breathe in air that's not recycled. The free air which is born of solitude and quiet. And I just enjoy Natural environments. Or semi-natural environments. Maybe it's my nature, but I feel a connection to nature. Hahahahah. Seriously speaking, I find comfort in small things like trees and the sky and the sun. I just like stuff like that. Esp beautiful stuff. Too bad it was kinda grey and cloudy today, so I didnt get to enjoy any sunset. I think I'll stay back in school one of these days on the Hua Zhong terraces and just watch the red sky gently glow, then like embers die down to a smoldering blue, then finally dark blue. It never fails to make me think..."thats beautiful". All those days which I took for granted...All my time in Chinese High where I could have just sat there and watched the beautiful sky under the arms of the raintrees. As many people said, you don't start to appreciate things until they're gone.

Then went to the supermarket. Carrefour. Hmm I like it much better in the mornings when there aren't so many people. I could hardly move, with the cart in front of me. I found it stifling geting surrounded by a horde of self-absorbed people who don't give a hoot who they're blocking, or whether they're blocking up the whole damn pathway or smashing into me or jabbing me with their elbows. And I could hardly breathe. Sigh. I resolve never to go at night again.

Mom commented I have a bald path or losing hair from the top of my head or something like that. I hope that's not true. It's terrible if it was...

Hmm I read my entries for the past week and I realized I've become very bitter and full of hate. And I kinda lost it for a while there where I numbed myself. I think I'll have to sometimes... in my current mood I'd like to say perhaps not too often, but some nagging doubt resides in the recesses of mind...Somehow some part of me just knows better. I'll try and reduce all the hate and spite and anger and sadness a little, but somehow I feel I've changed a lot in the chaos. I look back to sec 4 and realized how somehow I was always happy and when I look back even further to p5-6, I realized I was the epitome of happiness where somehow I never felt sad. Then I see myself in the mirror now, and realize that somehow, I'm always a little sad. And thats making me sad too! Argh. Vicious cycle. What's going on anyway.... I'm like totally opposite from what I used to be in some ways. I used to enjoy talking to everyone. Now I don't really dare to talk to anyone nor feel particularly inclined to make too many new ones. I've become more and more closed and distant. Hmm perhaps its just me waking up to cold, harsh reality. Then again if reality's so harsh why is everyone else so happy? I wish I knew. Then I could be happy too!

About the culling of the cats. I think that's a bad thing. How could you decide for other beings what's best for them. How can you just go around killing animals because they can presumably transmit SARS. The SARS thing is almost blown over now anyway... so why kill so many innocent cats? They don't deserve to die because they CAN transmit sars. Actually, I don't think they deserve to die even IF they transmit SARS. We don't execute people because they can transmit SARS. Or you would have to execute the whole of Singapore cos all of us are potential carriers. I hope that they stop killing these innocent cats soon. Can you imagine someone killing you as a form of population or disease control? And I think sometimes animals actually are more lovable and deserve more to live than humans. After all, we need the same basic stuff to survive. Food, air, water, shelter. You don't see animals destroying the world like some virus, do you? And when you provide all these to lets say ur cat or dog, they're pretty grateful and loyal to you. They shower you with affection and love, and don't stab you in the back. I don't think I can say the same for humans. We're unworthy.

Hmm wanna bring up some stuff about freedom. It all started yesterday when we were discussing female circumcision in GP.(yes there's such a thing). They would cut off the clitoris with a razor blade. They would do it forty times a day with the same blade. And no painkiller. Its not of the free will of the girl(usually 12+) in question, but rather something forced upon them by their parents or peers. Then it moved on to suicide. Should suicide be allowed? Should someone be given the freedom to take his own life? In Singapore, they handcuff ur corpse if u succeed. What if you don't? Should people be given control of their own lives? Can they decide whether they want to live or not. Even mercy killings are not allowed. You can't even cut off life support to somebody who's in a coma, even if he or she specifically requested for that before they landed in that situation. Then we questioned the definition of freedom and I realized its even harder to define than it is to restrict. I defined it as ability to choose one's own actions and destiny provided it does not cause harm to others. After that it's not freedom...Its tyranny or infringement. Then it got me thinking should man be allowed total freedom, to do what he wants without any policing? As soon as I got that thought I dismissed it. People just can't handle too much freedom. They either don't have discipline or will abuse the freedom, myself included. However, I do think that people should have control over their own lives as far as possible. Suicide should be something that an individual has a right to. Your life is yours to give or take. Even if it is stupid that you do so. Female or male circumcision should be banned on health and ethical grounds. Why should you decide if i want to keep my body parts intact. Its almost like rape. You take what you want or achieve your goals through forced invasion of other's bodies. Thats not right. Its their own private stuff. If they want it, they should be able to keep it. And secondly can u imagine how blunt and dirty the razor is after a few operations? And not to mention the hands of the people who do it. It just gives me the creeps. Everyone should be given the right to decide what they want to do with their own bodies.

And after that it got me thinking about destiny and fate. I questioned if there was some cosmic force controlling my life and whether freedom truly exists. I decided finally that there is a destiny and there is fate. However, its not just one destiny or fate. You're free to choose your path. The end will not be set...you write the last chapter through your actions. Many events are beyond our control and perhaps it is our fate/destiny that such events happen. However, you have the freedom to choose what you do about the event, and that leads to another set of possibilities of events, and so on and so forth. The events are set, and determined by your choices. Some things happen by chance, and what you choose to do with it will determine if u are fated to accomplish anything with it. Serendipity exists. I've had a little luck there. So the question is what I do with it...what's my next move?

Hmm I dunno what to do about my epic struggle. I could say I'm pretty confused, but in a happy yet sad way. My next move is being carefully considered. And it will more than likely take a year or something. Meanwhile, I'll just enjoy the opportunities that fate has granted me. Then we'll see about the next chapter. I hope it turns out the way i always imagined it.. though there's always this voice that tells me nothing turns out the way I want it...Sigh.

You're still my sun and stars....






















Yawn. All i gotta say is yawn. I'm tired. Drained. Enervated. Energy has been siphoned off to feed the team community spirit.
The basketball matches were quite nice. Though the boys match was much much better. And it was worth every second. You could tell everyone was cheering their heart out. Which was cool. For once. The boys played extremely violent and rapid basketball, which was andrenaline pumped. I assume Jik's going to write about it. You can catch the full story there.

My class still sucks. Or should I say more than ever? Esp TQ. There's nothing more annoying than me trying to talk to someone and some stupid fat bitch starts interrupting and starting a whole new conversation with my correspondent. Only. Without a by-your-leave, no apology, nothing. nada. I wonder why I even bother trying to talk to anybody.

Hmm someone did something nice for me today. Shaun gave me and Mak a lift back home in a taxi! For free! How sweet.

I'm angry. And happy at the same time. Expect that a lot. I'm usually never just happy or just sad.

Lastly, I still dunno how to handle the matter. I'm taking weekend for professional consultation. I hope they're professional. I'll pbbly end up doing nothing again.

You're still my sun and stars.











Hey guys.

I'm depressed. I'm always depressed. Whoops. Ermm.. but today was an extreme. The day was bloody depressing as usual, but life begins after school ends, as I like to say it, so I kinda got a little happier once I was outta school. Yeah.

Let's start with the happy stuff. After school, I went to draft. With Seng Choon and Lec and Doug. And I won!! Yay!!! For once i won!! For anyone who wants to know it was Onslaught Scourge Scourge draft. Stupid things happened. I torrented of fire twice for 8 points each to the head and enraged for the win. How scary is that? And stupid sengchoon smashed me up with one frontline strategist. What the heck? But overall it was pretty good. I kinda won stylishly every game! =)

That was the only happy part. Sigh. The rest of the day was just shitty. As usual. As per normal. I tried choosing to be happy. Its so hard. And ironically, the more I tried choosing to be happy, the more I remembered why I was sad, and thus got sadder. Sigh. I tried to do what I usually do, anyway. A bit of happiness + Hell lot of sadness= not so bad a day. Too bad there was more sadness than happiness.......

Today I felt extremely lonely... Lec was at bowling. Jik was sick. Mak was lost somewhere. The michael in my class was sick too. Couldnt find Yinghao. Didnt even see DGCo. Sigh. Suffice to say that I didnt see anyone. Or talk to anyone. I just sat in class. And hoped someone would come and talk to me. Seeing as that was not working, I tried walking over to people and talking to them. It didnt work either. So I just sat down in my little corner and told myself they don't matter and that I could live without these stupid fools... and I succeeded. For all of 1 minute. Then I lost it again. It went downhill from there. It just got worse and worse and worser and to the point where I though my head would implode from all the mixed fury and anger and disappointment and sadness and longing. In the end I just sat by myself, cut myself off from those people, and just buried my head in my hands. Tried to get some sleep during CT period... felt very tired and wasted all of a sudden. Didnt work. Was too angry to. So I closed my eyes and brooded. Hoped someone in class would care. No one did. I'm somehow not surprised. SMSed some close friends. Got prompt replies. See the difference? I'm so angry...I hope those useless bums will jump into a lake and soak. A good long soak would wake up their bloody ideas!!!

Loneliness is something that eats me up inside. I can't live a day without my friends. Perhaps thats why today was so bad until I saw Alec. Somehow I just need someone to talk to or to relate to. Someone who understands or at least I feel will actually listen to the crap I'm talking. Someone who cares. I've taken so many personality tests and they all tell me the same thing. I'm extroverted and feeling/ instinctual. So I just need people around me. Not a bunch of stupid metal robots. Today's events just proved this was true, more true than I thought possible. I nearly died halfway through the day. I'm sure if you gave me another day or two and I would have just vaulted over a balustrade. I'm not joking. And trust me, I've entertained the idea more than once. However, happily, I'm still alive and able to write this out. So if ur feeling suicidal or something here's a solution. Just write everything down first. Then u'll be too tired to attempt it. Hahaha. Again, I digress. Solitude is important, sometimes I just need to be alone. To sort out thoughts, to philosophize, to think, to absorb, to fantasize. Whatever. Without it I'm sure I wont be my own person. But there's plenty of time for solitude when you lie in bed with your eyes open and can't get to sleep. More importantly, I need, and I believe everyone needs, people around them. For mental development, you'll always need counterparts to match ur wit so that you are forced to stretch ur limits. When u run ur 2.4 and see that ur fren is lagging behind, you try to help him/her. Cos ur in it together. Cos at the time ur on the track ur thinking the same thing. That you must complete this. When you're discussing something, you're both thinking about the same thing and bouncing thoughts off each other. So what I'm trying to say is that you need people who are like you, who understand you. 2 people might be totally different in personality or character, but if they have a common cause or some sort of understanding or accomodation they'll make each other happy. If you can be happy by yourself ur either a very strong person or a very uncaring person. Loneliness is what happens when ur heart/soul/mind lacks fulfilment from someone else. Then it's just you filling and feeling the void, and eventually u'll reach a point where the whole world is about you, and you'll get so tired of yourself that you'll start to hate yourself. Then its game over.

I've been starting to think...I'm a pretty pathetic person. I want to say a lot of stuff, but the words die on my lips like wilting flowers. Everytime I want to scold someone, I'm worried it will hurt their feelings or something... I don like to say things to hurt people, so all the deficit goes into me and I feel stupid for not putting people in their place sometimes. Then everything accumulates and I just collapse. I'm pathetic. I can't even say this stuff without fear. I'm a bloody coward. I'll rot in hell for that. And this doesnt just apply to people I hate. Actually its worse when I like the person. And I don't dare to say anything. I've been silent for a bloody long time but somehow I'm afraid of saying anything at this point.... I'm real scared that everything will change once I say the words. What will the relationship be like after that? And I'm not sure I can handle a negative anytime soon given my mental state. I'm much too ermm scared to like approach the person. And I'm so stupid that I worship people from afar....And everytime I even want to talk to the person...something holds me back and I just run off. Sigh. What the heck am I doing? I'm insane.

To Mak: I mean pointers on how to make friends. How to approach ppl. Stuff like that. Considering ur wide circle of friends(and the size of ur harem), I'd say u know something about the process right? So pls enlighten the socially inept.

To Jik: hope ur better. See you tommorow.

You're still my sun and stars....







I'm very tired guys. But I'll still update this site. Hahahaha.

Today was another stupid day. I notice a trend. My school days are unremarkable and stupid. There's almost nothing memorable about them. Class sucks, the people suck, the teachers suck, the weather sucks, and most of all CHINESE SUCKS. 5.05=very bad.

There, I've offloaded a bit of steam. Phew.

Hmm, I havent been updating for a day or two. Saturday doesnt count cos I didnt really say anything. Just quite tired so don feel like writing much nowadays. School's a hopeless affair. And life is getting more and more boring. I'm going insane. Life is just lousy when everyone is tired, everyone doesnt feel like talking and everyone just wants to go home. What a marked contrast from orientation days, where no one wanted to go home, when even at our most enervated, we could just sit around and talk till the sun came up. Or went down. What happened? Where's all the fun and laughter and camaderie and spirit? My answer would be school, but then I realize thats not a good answer as many other classes or people can still stay alive and happy and all together. So I concluded it must be me. No one else is having such crap problems. No one else kills people around him/her as badly as I do. Sometimes, I make myself unhappy. Like now.

It took me a long time to get to this conclusion. I mean, its just not something you admit to yourself easily. Its easier to throw all the crap onto other people and blame them for everything. But I guess that after so much unhappiness going on, some part of it is my fault. In fact, most of it is my fault. How else do you explain all this? How come people just don't want to actually talk to me or care about me much. There are exceptions,(thanks guys), but hell, its like that most of the bloody time.

Let's see.

I'm antisocial. I hate associating with people. I hate mixing around. I hate meeting new people who are disgustingly self-satisfied. I used to like people as a whole, but somehow that suddenly changed this year. Somehow I got pretty unhappy with all the rubbish going on in the bloody green world. People in power want more power, but for what exactly? Power corrupts. I've seen people, friends, who after getting a bit of power became totally intoxicated by it, and totally changed. They've become leaner, meaner, more ambitious, less caring, and more arrogant. And for what? Power? I wanted a little bit of power to change stuff around the school, but now i abhor the responsibility. Cos it'll destroy me. Not that I'm not being torn to pieces, but it'll accelerate the process. Or perhaps thats a good thing.... I digress. Anyway, people around me suddenly seem less caring, less understanding, and I feel myself becoming less caring, less understanding. Its sorta become a perpetual process, where a little bit drains away day by day, until all of the goodness is spent and you go into debt. Then you start becoming a jerk, then an ass, then something you never imagined yourself to be. And I realized this is why I hate people. I hate the way that people are changing, the way that even the best person is likely to become a total jerk in a few years. I hate everything about them because they remind me of me. I hate the person I am, and I hate the person I'll become when this is over. And subconciously, I blame everyone else for my fate. So I hate everyone. Myself especially for being such a useless weakling, who cant stand up to all this trash and remain unfazed, untouched.

I go to class everyday telling myself that I'll talk to these people , get to know them better, try to think from their point of view. Then five minutes later, I'm sitting by myself, too afraid to try to talk to them, for fear of either getting corrupted or corrupting people with my cynicism and anger. And as much as I try, I can't seem to be able to talk to anybody. I somehow just want to be alone. Yet somehow, I feel lonely, feel this need to be part of the group. I'm just so damn confused. And it becomes a vicious cycle. The irony of all this is that the more I try to like people, the more I hate them. Sorry. I can't find redeeming qualities in the stupid human race as a whole. And I get frustrated everytime I try. So it gets worse every time. I try a lot. Make your own conclusions.

I'm getting numb. There was a time when I could be touched by small little events that didnt even really have anything to do with me. I could look at the way parents would dote over their children and feel happy that I too, have parents. Not anymore. Of course I'm still happy when people do nice little things for me, but I'm slowly becoming numb to all the good deeds going around me. People let me down so much I try not to expect anything, so that it doesnt hurt or disappoint when little promises or deals or details are forgotten or ignored. It still hurts anyway, until I apply the ice, and stop caring about them. And while I like to tell myself that I have to stop being so jaded and numb, it never works, cos somehow, I'm numb to that too. The funny thing about numbness. You can't get sad too much, but you can't be happy. You just feel... nothing. I'm starting to scare myself. I've decided to take Mike's advice and only care about people I care about. Or who care about me. Then I won't have to apply too much ice... But when people you care about let you down, its 10 times worse. Trust me on that.

I'm getting cynical. Too many times I question other's motives in doing anything, even if its really none of my damn business. And somehow the idealism and cynicism in me both work at the same time, so while I think the best of them, believing their altruism, somehow somewhere not so deep inside I can't help think its for themselves, in the end. And cynicism is thus applied to everyone. The government, my parents, even me. I despise my own self-pity and need for self-gain, and yet I do it anyway. I feel bad sometimes when I do things that I have to do, but not agree with nor am inclined to do. Then I hate myself for being a bloody hypocrite and not sticking to my morals no matter what. Then the ice is applied and it starts all over again.

I'm terrible at communication. Often times, I can't seem to find stuff that I want to talk about that others want to talk about too. Why is that? I don't know. And its frustrating. I hope that its not because I'm boring and there's nothing I know.

I'm terrible at handling failure. Not studies. Relationships. Human relationships. I get frustrated when I don't succeed at finding out little stuff or getting to know someone, or even improving relationships with people in general. I can't afford to fail a lot. One failure and I lose faith in myself and people, both.

I've got low tolerance for people who I think are not using their brains, or hypocritical, or apathetic, or simply arrogant and prejudiced. Wow. That's a lot of conditions. I want a lot of out people and I try to give it back in return. However, it's safe to say I dont really have many people to return this to. I expect a lot, and perhaps thats even worse when u combine it with the fact that i'm antisocial and terrible at communication and terrible at handling failure. I get short-tempered with people who like to piss me off or have nothing in their brains except sex, games, enjoyment, or themselves. Having one or two or even all four is fine if that's not your focus or you don't let yourself become an asshole because of them. Sorry, you don't cut it. I don't wanna talk to you. And there are plenty of people like you. You can just go jump into a river. Happily, none of my friends are like that. I should count my blessings.

I'm a lazy stupid slob. I'm unhealthy. I'm unfit. I'm a failure. I'm pathetic. Sigh. I can find a lot of flaws, but oh too few good parts.

Somebody save me.....

Sorry if I sound very unhappy and jaded or totally contradictory. Its my mental PMS day. Too bad it comes too often.

And no, if there's one good thing about me, I don't lust after boobs or ass or whatever. Thank the heavens for that.
Interestingly enough, romance and lust trigger different mental states and parts of our brain. Go read sunday life for details.

You're still my sun and stars...