It seems that i'm withdrawing slowly into a state of desolation.

I've looked back on these past few weeks that i've been taking a lot of negative energy and problems in, but i've never really even thought about expelling them. For some strange reason, I don't even want to bitch about my problems, because they seem so minor, so minute, compared to the sheer calamity that some have to face everyday. Of course, that's until now, when I just need to talk to no one in particular.

Its so strange. I don't want to talk to anyone anymore. It's as if I'm in a glass menagerie, and everyone else is outside. or perhaps it's me that's outside, and everyone else that's inside. My impressions and thoughts are distorted right now.

Birthday's in less than a month's time. Parents and siblings have been asking me what i want. And i always reply nothing, really. It's kinda weird how I always want nothing when people ask me what i want, but suddenly when an impulse strikes me, there'll be an insatiable lust for what i want at a particular time. It's almost like some sleeping dragon living within me. When sudden passion hits me I'll go all out to do something, but otherwise I just cant get moving.

Lately I've been asking myself the same few questions. What do I want out of life? I hate answering this question because there are both no answers and many answers to this question. I don't really know what I want out of life? I can influence my path but at the end life is just life, mutable yet abstract, routine yet unpredictable. Right now I'd answer nothing, but the truth is, deep in my heart I want a lot of things, so many that i dont want to think about it. It's just too confusing, sometimes. One part of me wants to be rich, successful and comfortably ensconced in the lofts of the elite. But another part refuses to go along with that plan and just wants to live simply and without expectations, just doing what I please, when I please, if i please.
I don't know, I really dont. Maybe that's why my life seems to shrink, sometimes.

The second question i ask myself is am i ready to let new people come into my life. This question is not hard to answer, but it's painful all the same. I'm not. I cant even keep all of my old friends, so how can i even get new ones? I really doubt the sincerity of many people i meet in school nowadays. They're all so false. so mercenary, so helplessly robotic that it's starting to eat into my impression of the human race in general. Honestly, I cant say that i've had too many meaningful interpersonal relationships in JC. Especially with creatures i dont understand. Namely, of the other sex. I gave up trying to figure out why some of them are such jerks. I realize that jerks belong to both genders, but I cant remember hating most males so vehemently. Maybe it's just those screwed up bitches that i know. I feel this maniacal urge to slap them, to wipe the smug, self-satisfied, holier-than-thou expressions off their faces. I want to scream at them and tell them what the hell's wrong with them. But somehow i know it'll just be a waste of any effort on my part. There are some people that are worth it. Most are not even worth me getting worked up over them. If you're reading this, you're not one of them. If you're not in my class, you're not either, so don't worry too much.

The third question is rhetorical. Why are you so damn jaded?

I seem to have reached the proverbial dead end when it comes to interpersonal skills. I've run out of things to talk about, really. It's as if there's nothing I have in common with anyone else anymore. Close friends have drifted, no doubt due to the distance between HC and RJ. We try, but it's not the same anymore. Would life have been different if i went there? or if i just went to vj like everyone told me? I always wonder, but i realize that's not important anymore. I just want to live the dreams of yesterday, the only dreams that made any sense, the only parts of my life that really matter to me.

Thus I have my answer. All i want for my birthday is a chance to go back in time and enjoy the good times we had a few years back. But it's like asking for the moon, isnt it?