Choice of Damnations.

TNS reunion on Saturday was great. It's nice to see everyone again, before they all fly off to wherever whenever. Away.

I actually caught myself getting almost sentimental these few days, but being the architect of destruction, so much trash happens its almost hard not to get sentimental about things that happened or didnt happen or maybe ought not to have. For these people, all three things are involved.

Neglect. That's a word I hate to use, but a feeling i hate even more to have. I just don't have the energy to juggle so many groups of people sometimes and it's terrible to even start thinking of prioritizing(which I have) and even worse to actually have to choose(ditto). So some things, by necessity, mean less than others, and once you shove them into the closet they're gone.

I'm tired, just tired. Between hell and work, I have a grand total of 2 hours of day to myself and sometimes the weekend goes. And it's not going to get better. I cant even bring myself to press a few buttons and write a few letters or type a few messages sometimes, because of the inertia. And when I do I can't seem to get responses sometimes. How typical. The sheer effort it takes to sustain a conversation for anything more than 10 minutes sometimes is staggering.

I've tried to keep everyone, I really did. It just seemed that the tighter i clenched the fist, the more sand slipped through my fingers. And what's the point of trying to keep some things alive when really it's trying to preserve some corpse of something once shared, then lost. Sometimes gestures are meaningless, and sometimes gestures simply failed to work anymore. And sometimes there wasnt much to begin with, just a bunch of people hanging on to each other to survive the crash of the tide, just that once. And really, they had nothing else in common but adversity.

So someone or some people or something has to go, so that the others may live.

The most disturbing thought that runs through my head most of the time is "Who's Next?"