Reconciliation.

Sometimes if you want something badly enough, it happens.

Lifting the burden of years off my back felt so exhilarating that I just sank in my seat for a moment, exalting in the pure, good, feeling. How rare is it to be truly happy, pushing aside the ironies of life? I'm grateful for even that one pristine moment.

Maybe God is there looking over us, so I took a hint and followed the lead He gave to me. No, I don't go to chuch, but maybe I'm starting to believe.





The Calling

Long conversation with Alec and Jik tonight. It's been a long time since I discussed the non-mundane. Seems like school has dominated conversation for far too long. Here's a anecdote from what usually passes for conversation:

Alec: So how's life?
Chi: Busy.
Alec: But you were busy last time!
Chi: Sorry, can't really think of any other way to describe my life now.

Sad huh?

Well, that being said, I think our long discourse tonight has let me air lots of shit out tonight that I have suppressed for a while. Happy to know one of my friends, at least, has proceeded along the shining path, while I'm still on the other side of the river, waiting for the right boat(and ferrywoman) to cross.

It's calling me. This fey impulse to cross the lonely bank, to fill the empty hours with laughter and lightness of being. Yet, it's always so hard, so hard to find someone who really understands you, who shares the secret joke with you, laughing at the facades we built our world upon, the truth of such a relationship, pure and simple, piercing through a cloud of grey.

I scare myself sometimes. knowing how badly I actually want it. Yet now I hold back, because of my dismal failures in the past, because of my fear, because of my impossible demands. I want so much, yet can give so little. Yet if I had to say what I found most attractive in someone else, it would be innocence.

Innocence then, innocence is the one thing I want most. To taste life on the other side, to find another me, someone who took the left fork on this great winding road of life, a me in a better world. That's what I want.

Barriers, inhibitions, this burden of cynicism. The sharp lenses through which I perceive this corrupt and merciless world. They hold me back even as I search for my complement, my equal and opposite, to complete the circle.

Yet even as I reach out to someone new who I think fits the bill, fate takes her other hand and feeds me the bitter steel. Yea, the double edged sword of innocence and devotion, the dagger of destiny at my throat. How could I despoil such a beautiful thing? Any victory would be phyrric, grief dogging its steps.

And all this thinking started because that someone who has been giving me all those bad dreams suddenly messaged me out of the blue tonight, bearing a message of woe.

In the past, I was blinded by obsession to what I perceived to be my ideal. I was unable to break free of it for years, and when I finally did, a caul lifted from my eyes and I saw the ugliness, in me and in the object of my worship. And when you told me, I didn't listen, the walls of ignorance closed around me and I pushed you away. And now, it's happening again, and I'm afraid.

They say there are no second chances. It didn't work out with you then. But maybe now we have a third chance.

I hate you, I love you, I'm not sure what's the difference anymore.





The Madness

By all rights, I should be churning out my presentation right now, but I have reached a point where I can no longer think straight and so here I am to let off some of the rubbish that has probably built up, clogging my mental tributaries.

I reached an epiphany the other day that this place is more about style than substance, where everyone basically knows everything, so the only real way to rise above your peers( for that wonderful A+) is to package your work in such a way to make it somehow come across as fresh(even though everyone knows everything, or cares naught, the result is the same).

This is evident even when I start comparing my profs with my fellow disaffected comrades-in-arms. It's not always about the content, after all they teach pretty much the same thing. It all comes down to packaging packaging packaging. We look at the slides, we look at how they present stuff.

Then I thought about how I seem to be spending more time coming up with new ways to present my content, designing stuff for my slides, thinking of some joke to crack during our presentations, than actually finding new stuff for people to learn about.

Ding. Epiphany.

The sheer madness of it all, the irony never fails to make me laugh out loud(yes, LOL), to the point where some concerned classmates have shot me the "has he gone nuts" look. To which I somehow find it in me to laugh at this humourless situation. They don't understand the grand cosmic joke yet.

Anyway, stress week is almost here, and I must return to the land of spit and shine, so I leave this little nugget of comic relief to those who havent seen it yet.