Disenchanted

I realized I’m very disenchanted about a lot of stuff right now.

It all started last year when I realized that many people are not what they seem to be. That conclusion led to me discovering the innate selfishness and repulsiveness of many people. Sigh. If that wasn’t a revelation.

I fear that time has not altered this perception much, only made me feel that I really shouldn’t care too much about the bad parts and try to like the good things about people. Sometimes, this works. Sadly, it’s failed so many times I can’t be bothered to try and count them. Recently I met my delightful bunch of juniors. They’re really nice and sweet at this point in time, and it just makes me think.

At this time one year ago, I was just like this bunch of nice, sweet, innocent people.

How did it go so wrong?

I guess being cynical about everything is not really a good quality to have. You just cant see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s shining so brightly it’s blinding everyone else. Yet, when nothing ever seems to go right, is there any way you can trust anyone or anything, even yourself? The miles roll on and on, and there’s never any end in sight. It’s probably my own fault too, but once your eyes are open, closing them is worse than being blind sometimes.

Someone told me there’s a lot of pressure going around in HC. Everyone works really hard, studying studying mugging etc. I guess it’s something the people here expect from a school. Mugging and more mugging. Enough of those newfangled ideas about “creativity”. At the end of the day, it counts for squat if u don’t have your damn As. Something is seriously wrong with this, but enough has been said about improving it. Right now, it’s about surviving it. The working world is supposed to be worse. And people wonder where is the damn love.

Life is not simple. Life is a weave of madness, and from the day you start thinking to the day that you stop, there’s no end to this puppet show. I don’t even want to think about what I want to do in the future. There’s no time. Now it’s about surviving this farce.

It’s depressing really. I’m probably not going to be able to do things I really want to do till I get a stable job, a car, some kids, a nice CPF balance and probably a walking stick. I’ve wondered if I’ll even get there. I might immolate myself early so I don’t have to play this game till the end.

Friendship is like a ripple on the surface of a lake. You’re the centre and in the closest circle is your first tier of friends, and it spreads outwards. People you know, people you think you know and people who you just know the name of. As time goes on, they’ll drift away. You can’t stop it. Some will exit your life completely, some will stay as close to you as it gets.

Right now, I feel like I’m distancing myself from everyone and everything. It’s so much easier to sink into my own little corner, do my own stuff, and listen to one person only.
I guess that’s why I now have a supreme problem with authority. I don’t like what they’re doing, and I hate listening to people who give me no reason to listen to them. Why am I still listening to jerks like Ooi? All she does is bitch around anyway. Let’s not even start on daffy duck Wong. Sometimes, I don’t understand why they’re the ones in authority. Ditto all the way up society.

I hate HC sometimes. In sec 4, being the naïve kid I was, I thought it’d be the same as TCHS. The people there would be friendly and humble, the school spirit would be strong like a bulwark, the teachers would actually give a damn about you and your work.

Boy, was I wrong.

I guess I can’t take much more of this. My fatalism and nihilism is grating on my own nerves. I wish I wouldn’t ask myself “Why am I going to school?” every morning when I wake up. I wish I wouldn’t say “What’s the use?” to myself every day.

I can’t take much more of this.