The day was fine…
I wasnt not so depressed today, which was a good sign. Getting depressed is hardly conducive to health, is it?

First lesson. Physics lecture. Something tells me I will fail physics this year. Or at least fail circular motion. Mr Wong is hopeless. Or should I say Daffy is hopeless. Seriously, he quacks like a duck. “Ah Ah!” and “are you clear?” are some of the pet phrases we have right now, stolen from Daffy, of course.

Second lesson. Physics prac. Nothing interesting. Stupid Chen can get quite annoying sometimes. And I see her 3 periods on Friday. Terrible. Doing 4 stations worth of pendulum swinging isn’t fun. At all. Imagine waiting 1 1/2 minutes for the pendulum to finish 20 oscillations…

Third lesson. Hmm Math. Boo was pretty nice, as usual. Did something about map colouring. Hahaha. Let us off 15 minutes early too. Oh and Andrew and Kenneth kept bursting into song. Or rather a disjointed tune. For no apparent reason. If I didn’t know better, I’d say they were drunk.

Recess: Whatever la. Nothing much to say. Oh and we finally solved the mystery. The “song” is “zhi shao wo bi ni zou de zao”. Or something like that. They were playing the ringtone over and over again. And singing… or rather squaking… to it. Eww…. Chalk on whiteboard.

Fourth Lesson. Chem. We were fully expecting Ooi not to come. She told us so. Sigh… too good to be true. Perpetual PMS woman still turned up anyway. What the heck. A day without Ooi is a good day.

Fifth lesson: I as good as flunked the econs essay.

Sixth lesson: Forgot to bring my physics TYS. Stupid Chen made us write “I will remember to bring my physics TYS in future” 100 times. Annoying….Can’t stand her sometimes…

Seventh lesson. GP. The saving grace. Owyong is a worthy teacher. She should teach the other teachers how to make the lesson interesting. Anyway got full marks for both sections of the mini-test. Felt pretty pleased with myself. Anyway she was playing the Beatles. No one else knew it was the Beatles. Honestly, am I the only one who knows about oldies around here??? Anyway, the whole lesson was about music. Xiao Mike is a true romantic man… His perception of music is that it is an expression of love. An odyssey. I feel much the same way, but I thought that it expresses other stuff too. And Owyong started playing lots of meaningful songs. Candle in the Wind. 7 o’ clock News. Penny Lane. I love anything Beatles. And Simon and Garfunkel. And Elton John. I guess that’s why I really enjoyed the lesson.

Last lesson. PE. Nothing to say. Training for NATFA.







Life's trash.
And the worst part is...
I still don't have any idea about what to do about the decision!
Somebody save me...

I know it has to be my decision... but how am I to decide?
Gosh.





Another mixed day, I'm afraid...

Dad cut off my net access. That means I cant update this site as frequently as I'd like, or talk to you people as often as I'd like. Rest assured, this obstacle only strengtens my resolve to make sure I don't lose connection to everyone. I'll find ways to talk with you anyway.

Sigh..

Anyway went with my class to Palawan Beach.
It was a fairly fun trip, though I was expecting a teensy-weensy bit more...

Then again, I expect a lot out of people, including myself.

Let me recount the more memorable events.(It's difficult...I am back to being depressed and tired...)

We bought all the food and drinks from Cold Storage. Amused myself by buying Old Style drinks again. People never fail to accuse me of drinking alcohol. Even though it's only lemon juice or ginger beer. Never judge a drink by its bottle...

An unexpected guest arrived. Junjing’s boyfriend Trevince(sp?). Hmm he’s quite fun.. though I didn’t really talk to him much.

Hmm we played beach soccer on the blazing hot sand again. I was pretty sure for a moment that if we poured water on the sand it would boil on the spot. Anyway my team lost… ah well…

Then it was captain’s ball. Dobson’s team was obviously winning. Its hard not to win when you have a captain 1.83m tall. Around this time He Zhen arrived. 1st late arrival of the day.

Then we swam. This was the fun part of the entire trip. Almost everyone went into the water. Finally we had some real fun…Haha short people like Vanessa have trouble playing water captain’s ball. =). One team had me, Dennis, Kuan Wei, He Zhen and Vanessa. The other team had short ppl like Jeremy, Yun Ching and Ruo Jing. Surprisingly, we won. Every one got wet and wild, but happy. Oh and on a side note, the water at Palawan tastes better than that at..or rather of Kallang river. Speaking from first hand experience here.

After everyone got tired of playing a rather one sided game, we just sat on the beach and got pummelled by the strong waves. It was surprisingly rather enjoyable. Now I know the meaning of being swept away… The waves were pretty strong… Haha and we even swam out to the floats offshore.

Hmm after crawling out of the water, we basically slacked around and ate food. I have no idea how Vanessa’s hair can remain straight and dry in 15 minutes after getting out of the water. Good genes?

Then we took photos. Someday I’ll look back and lament on these times… That’s why I keep a diary and a blog. So that I wont forget everything…I have something to back to…

And we played polar bear again. Sigh. Why is it always me getting killed in the very first round? Its been like that since January. What the heck? Gimme a break… Ah well good for everyone, now that we all know how to play polar bear… It’s rather unfortunate that I had to leave at this point…Sigh.








Yeah and thanks to all the people who have helped me through this lousy day...





Hey guys...
It started off as a pretty lousy and disgusting day.
I was still in a pretty depressed mood in the morning. So i did what I usually do and just sat down and wrote. Poetry. Prose. I find that that works for me...It has something to do with my character and personality...

Anyway, was basically writing and writing throughout the day...being lecture day as it is.
So without ado, let me present my writing... I know its not terribly good so please just indulge me.


Ambivalence

The shift of day and night,
brings about the dawn and the eve,
when the heavens are in conflict,
for the night lingers even before the harsh glare of the sun,
and the day still clings to life before the night's chill embrace.

The passing of the seasons,
brings about the change of the world,
when life is in flux,
for spring awakens the slumbering land from winter's touch,
and autumn sets the world afire, and the earth is crowned in blazing glory.

As I endure the passing of the seasons,
and I face the day and await the night,
My own world shifts and tumbles,
And I find myself lost
In sweet misery,
where the clarity in confusion gives clear sight.

The past holds bittersweet memories,
Painful to the touch yet comforting to behold.
What once was is no more,
Yet merry melancholy compels the soul,
As the mind and heart relive happier times.

Dreams and nightmares,
Are one and the same,
Born of fantasy in the cradle of one's soul,
On the illusion of reality,
Or the reality of illusion.
I'm dreaming with both eyes open,
And nightmares haunt my dreams.

Faith and doubt,
Are as light and darkness,
For there is no light without darkness,
And no road in between.
And yet I doubt that which I believe,
Yet somehow believe that which I doubt.
For time has withered the layers of precious innocence.
Leaving a shell of priceless wisdom, bought through unfathomable pain.

To live is to die and,
Life goes on in death,
And you do not live just because you are breathing.
Nor are you truly dead if you stop.
Am I content to bury myself alive,
Or to live forever in the hearts and minds of those whom I touched.

I seek the answer,
Yet the pursuit brings more questions.
I'm lost and confused,
Torn between two decisions,
Where everything is the same.
The mind, heart and soul, are
In a state of ambivalence,
And dreams of the future are as daunting as living in the past...

As you can see, I was not at all happy when writing this poem...
But as time went by, life got better.

From 3+, after first aid, I went with Jik and Mak and Andre to Lido.
Where we bought tickets to X Men 2.
The winds of fate change again, as I meet up with Mike... I've missed you so much...
We spend the next few hours catching up on old times,
reliving the days spent sitting in class, where the swaying of the rain trees on the hill in the caressing touch of the wind stole our hearts.
And of course, there was lots of gossip and teasing... Haha Mak and his fervent denials of homosexuality! Admit it man!
Shared a "buddy meal" with Mike, something we havent done in quite awhile. It somehow seems apt...(btw thanks for the present).
We expressed the general feeling of sadness that Zhuang Hui didnt make it... Sorry pal....Better luck next time...you'll always have us anyway...

But the true highlight of the night was when we saw Mel again. Yes. THE Mel Kheng.
It's been a year since we last met...It's been too long...And I've missed him so.
Ah seeing him brought back memories. Memories of the innocence of youth, memories of life long ago... The feeling of nostalgia just sparked something in me.
It lit a fire in my heart that made me feel that life's worth living.
I remember Columbine High. I remember Animal Farm. I remember how he awakened intelligence and wisdom, of which I'm eternally grateful.
We bunch chatted for a while. Talking about old times. It seems like the day was made for it.

After the movie, which was better than X Men 1(and that's saying a lot..great stuff), I unfortunately had to rush home... couldnt have dinner with Mel...
Which was the worst thing to happen the whole night...
Sigh....Well at least we get to see each other again at Matrix Reloaded!
















This is something i wrote

I'm waiting...
I’m waiting...
For the fading rays, of the crimson sunset,
To be stolen by the moon,
And for the moon to be devoured by the endless night,
Where a hole lies in the sky,
Where once stars burned bright.
And only haunting echoes of tarnished glory remain.

I’m waiting…
For the spectres to relinquish their hold on my precious sanity,
And let me slip into blessed madness,
Where cares and worries are a forgotten memory,
Where the heart and mind,
Die deaths alone and apart,
And the spark of day snuffed out by the approaching darkness.

I’m waiting…
For the end of time,
Where the moment stands still,
Before escaping beyond my covetous clutches,
When sweet oblivion
Overwhelms the pain of conciousness,
And when all existence has passed me by.

I’m waiting…
For the sweet dreams to return,
To fill my mind and heart
To suffuse the fibres of my soul,
To take away the anger and the sadness,
The pain and the hatred,
And fill the void in
My excuse for a life,
My miserable existence.

But I shall be waiting forever…
No banishment will save me from this pain.
No sweet respite will deliver me from torment.

Such is the fate of one such as I…
I’m waiting…

Its amazing what you can come up with when you're feeling down and angry and hurt... I'm feeling terrible right now...

What is life coming to? I'm already not so close to my classmates... And I dont see all the guys everyday. How the heck am I supposed to get by? Am I to just close myself in? Am I to shut my door and hope that someone knocks? I don't think so. No one will. No one cares enough. No one is sensitive enough... or am I being narcisistic and arrogant to even think that anyone would like such an ass like me. Would care about such an ass like me. Few people know me well, and fewer can really understand me. What a cruel and twisted joke. Knowing so many yet having so few know me. Even old friends from p4... Would they remember me? An occasional hi might warm me up... but what I really need and want are people I can confide in...
Not that they don't exist... but they have their own problems too...

I cant take so much depression!

The last few times this happenned, I mentally shut down for days... And I believe I have lost opportunities to make friends by doing so. Why is it that life was so simple in Hua Zhong, but so complicated here in Hwa Chu? I rarely got sad then, but now it seems like I keep stumbling... keep getting sad... its a long and winding road it seems, one filled with so few joys but so much sorrow. Is it rejection? Is it because I've grown wiser? More privy to the inner thoughts of others? The ugliness of human nature has shown itself so much this year I cannot help but be depressed at it. My campaign failed. Fine. I got lied to. Fine. People whom I really miss are gone... possibly forever. Fine. But when people I really feel for are oblivious, even apathetic... and when I find out I rank so low on their list of priorities...and when i feel that nothing i do gets appreciation...

Sadness is a blanket thrown over my head, and it does not warm me, rather, it smothers me and chokes me. Till I black out... and conciousness gives way to darkness.





Have you ever had a dream that was so real?

I've had a dream for a very long time now. Not the type you have when u are asleep, but with your eyes open. It was a beautiful dream, but just last night,the time when dreams are made, I was suddenly not so sure that it was a dream..... Maybe it was only an illusion... I'm lost. I really don't know if i can continue to live and dream this dream, or I should just move on.

Its been a very long time, almost a decade. I'm not sure exactly how this being in my dreams relates to me. Sometimes cold, sometimes warm. Sometimes guarded, sometimes open. There's only one thing that I know for sure. I've been working really hard to live and continue this dream. Now I am at a crossroads. To continue trying for this beautiful dream, or just move on and hide in my corner for the rest of my life. I'm so confused... so lost.

Perhaps some of you will know what I'm talking about, perhaps not. I'm not going to elaborate. In any case, I've not come to a decision... but I'm getting tired. I won't discard the possibilty that I'll continue on this weather beaten and stormy road, because should the dream congeal into reality, a beautiful plain awaits me. Anyway, regardless, I'm really not quite happy at all. I hope this depression doesnt last too long...

Sigh....

Let's not even talk about my father. I've had enough man. Every time I talk online he scolds me. He must think I'm a retard. I cant multitask???? Huh??? He wants to control every single aspect of my life. He cant be civil. I've damn near had enough. Sorry for the foul language. I consider myself a slightly more cultured person.. and when i start using words like these.....I dont feel good.

Anyway...
He asks me to spend less. I do.
He asks me to study more. I do.
He asks me to not spend so much time out. I do.
He asks me not to talk so much on the phone. I do.
He asks me not to talk online. To anybody. This I cannot do.







Just a quote and a few things to add.

The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it.
C. P. Snow (1905 - 1980)

How true!

Anyway right now i'm feeling a little low. So i'll just find a melancholy song to post.

This Train Don't Stop Here Anymore by Elton John

You may not believe it
But I don't believe in miracles anymore
And when I think about it
I don't believe I ever did for sure
All the things I've said in songs
All the purple prose you bought from me
Reality's just black and white
The sentimental things I'd write
Never meant that much to me

I used to be the main express
All steam and whistles heading west
Picking up my pain from door to door
Riding on the storyline
Furnace burning overtime
But this train don't stop,
This train don't stop,
This train don't stop there anymore

You don't need to hear it
But I'm dried up and sick to death of love
If you need to know it
I never really understood that stuff
All the stars and bleeding hearts
All the tears that welled up in my eyes
Never meant a thing to me
Read 'em as they say and weep
I've never felt enough to cry

I used to be the main express
All steam and whistles heading west
Picking up my pain from door to door
Riding on the storyline
Furnace burning overtime
But this train don't stop,
This train don't stop,
This train don't stop there anymore

When I said that I don't care
It really means my engine's breaking down
The chisel chips my heart again
The granite cracks beneath my skin
I crumble into pieces on the ground

I used to be the main express
All steam and whistles heading west
Picking up my pain from door to door
Riding on the storyline
Furnace burning overtime
But this train don't stop,
This train don't stop,
This train don't stop there anymore

Goodbye to Love- Carpenters

I'll say goodbye to love
No one ever cared if I should live or die
Time and time again the chance for love has
passed me by
And all I know of love is how to live without it
I just can't seem to find it

So I' ve made my mind up I must live my life
alone
And though it's not the easy way
I guess I' ve always known
I' d say goodbye to love

there are no tomorrows for this heart of mine
Surely time will lose these bitter memories
And I'll find that there is someone to believe in
And to live for
Something I could live for

All the years of useless search
Have finally reached an end
Loneliness and empty days will be my only friend
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best I can

What lies in the future is a mystery to us all
No one can predict the wheel of fortune as it falls
there may come a time when I will see that I've
been wrong
But for now this is my song

And it's goodbye to love
I'll say goodbye to love


Sigh....Where yonder my solace? Will I ever find you?










Hey guys.
It's a 5.05 day again. I hate 5.05 days. Heck. I dont have 3.40 days anymore. What the heck?
Life is just so... tiring...tiring...tiring...
The sheer menial drudgery of chinese has crushed my spine. I need a stronger back. Hahahahahah.

Anyway about interesting stuff that happened today.

Council Presidential Elections.
Let's just say that Mik will get it. Its a toss up between Xi Zhen and Zhuang Hui. Good luck Zhuang. Hope u make it.

No math?
Due to the fascinating activity known as the math trail, we lucky souls were treated to a movie. A Beautiful Mind. Wow. That's pretty rare, no?
And Andrew is just nuts. It seems that all that goes through his brains is the three letter word... U know... The one starting with s? Try applying it to A Beautiful Mind? I think only Andrew can.
Bad enough that he uses swear words like punctuation. =P

Hmm thats about all that was interesting that happened.

Now let's talk about things that are not so interesting that WILL happen.
NATFA. Now there's something I dont quite look forward to. And it's tommorow. That sucks man.
Compre. I've got a GP compre to do. Immediately after NATFA. Oh gosh....

My My. What an interesting day I'm in for.

At least there's some bright spots in the universe.. we'll get to that in due time.






Oh wait. for those who are wondering about the occasion, it was my birthday, so i kinda pigged out for the first time this yr?





Hey I promised to talk about stuff later but i guess this is much later than I expected
This week has been extremely stressful, so I kinda took the weekend off to slack. Hope it doesnt bring about my ruin.
Anyway, I'll just talk about what happened.

Went out for lunch yesterday. Not your typical go to Macs or BK and slack for 1/2 hour go home and resume slacking kinda thing.
Lec, Jik and Me went out for real lunch.
At seoul garden. Hahaha. We basically pigged out. And for good reason. 20 bucks worth of fees my friend. Ain't coming cheap.
Let's recount some events.

Jik and his eggs.
This was really funny. Can you eat 6 eggs in one sitting and live to tell the tale? Evidently Jik can. He kept dumping em in the soup.

The brown corn.
Did you know that once corn stays in soup too long, it turns brown? Now you do.

Smoking.
Do u know that the smoke at Seoul Garden wafts around in random directions depending on the time of the meal? Try it. And we played pass the smoke for a while. Don't ask how.
Potty humour, that is.

The charred remains...
Well, let's just say that after two hours of hardcore bbq-ing, the smooth grooves on the hot plate aint so smooth.

Alec and the parting of the Red Sea
Alec is famously weak to desserts. He gave up some of lunch just to have dessert. Sound crazy? Nope. He ate 1 ice cream and 2 bowls of ice concoction. U might be asking. What the heck is
ice concoction. Well first let me tell u a story. A long time ago in a land far far away, some nut decided to put the ice kachang toppings before the ice, which was on the opposite side of the bowls.
Alec rather scrubbily went to put the ice before the toppings. whoops. What arrived back on the table was a culinary catastrophe best described as "It". It was gross. hahaha.
Extremely miffed that dessert was so crappy, Alec went for ice cream. Another disaster. The scoop was so small that the biggest ball of ice cream u could get from it was the size of a peanut. Well, persistence seems to have paid off.
By now, Alec's blood was boiling with the poor results of dessert. So predictably he went back for a second shot at revenge. Three strikes and you're out, it seems. He filled it up to the brim. What happened was a re-enaction of the biblical event known as the parting of the red sea. He nuked the ground so badly that only one path was treadable. On the whole way back. Whoops. Ground zero.

After all that, went for a great dinner with my family at my uncle's house. BBQ again. Western grill style this time though, so it was great. Uncle Leslie really has a way with cooking. Had some really fine wines. Ah the joy of booze.... I was rather shagged when i got home , so i went straight to bed.

And today, more food. Lunch was just great. Went to Tanglin club for their curry buffet. Just good times.

hehe that kinda sums up everything.